Oh, no! Another Cliched Love Story!
by bravewings
Summary: ...Except, this is Artemis Fowl the Second we're talking about. We all know he'd rather get shot in the head than fall in love. Artemis/OC. School-life AU.
1. Battle of the Sexes

_**Oh, no! Another Clichéd Love Story!**_

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_"People say that the right person will come along.. I think mine got hit by a truck."_

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_**1. Battle of the Sexes**_

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It was 24th September. A weekend, to be precise. There wasn't something special about the date except, 49 years ago, _St. Bartleby's School for Young Gentlemen _had declared itself a co-ed school, and still it hadn't changed its damn name.

24th September was a day when the girls of St. Bartleby's screamed at the authorities to rename the school to _St. Bartleby's School for Brilliant Young Minds_, a name coined by the first _female _Student Council President in the 70's.

The boys tried to hide wherever they could. They had enough of '_you sexist assholes' _or_ 'why do you disrespect the females? why? can you give birth to babies? no! die, you disrespectful sexist morons!' _or_ 'the male students only scratch their butts. even monkeys can do that. before we girls came, this school should've been named 'St. Bartleby's School for Monkeys'' _to last them a lifetime, thank you very much.

The school authorities were probably trying to book tickets to Pluto and epically failing.

Artemis Fowl was sitting on a tree branch, conveniently hidden by the leaves. It gave him the perfect view.

Spending time in St. Bartleby's had taught him to respect the female population.

There were primarily three kinds of protests- the silent march, the candle prayer and the unofficial '_silently kill all boys and school authorities in sight' _march.

All the cheerleaders were taking part in the silent march. They would walk around the entire city wearing bright, glittery neon clothes and carrying posters.

The candle prayer would be held at night. All the girls would assemble and hold a candle for god knows what reasons. It was not like someone died. Women were so _dramatic_.

And then there was the whole open season on boys and school authorities.

"It's been 49 years, my sisters! _49 years_! And yet, these barbaric men refuse to acknowledge us! They might live in the 21st Century but they have the mindset of cavemen! '_Women are only good for washing dishes and making babies!' _This is the age of women! How can the school authorities disrespect us like this?! This is school has been co-ed for 49 years! 49 years! This isn't just about the school name! It's the legendary, ancient battle of the sexes and we will not lose!" Isabelle Kossel yelled into a megaphone. All her sentences ended with loud, invisible exclamations.

The other girls yelled like bloodthirsty Vikings, not what respectable girls of rich families should ever do.

He knew Isabelle Kossel. _Unfortunately._

She had the brightest red hair which suited her violent, fiery nature. From even this distance, he could see her angry purple eyes.

She always _had _to be angry.

"You can climb trees." The owner of the voice sounded shocked. Since her voice caught him by surprise, he lost his already lousy balance and immediately fell down.

Artemis groaned while he softly rubbed his hip. He shook himself to make sure he didn't break anything.

He looked up to find his classmate staring down at him. Cassie 'Mousy' Mess.

"I thought you were incapable of any physical activity. I still remember the day you got a 'Z' in gym by Mr. Hoggins." Mess said, clearly amazed.

Kossel had her bright hair, purple eyes and loud voice to distinguish her. Mess, on the other hand, was plain. Very plain.

Her dark brown hair had overgrown her pixie-cut a bit. She had very ordinary brown eyes.

Her clothing sense was ordinary, too. A baggy t-shirt, tight jeans and boots.

Honestly speaking, she was a nobody. Just another person in a crowd of millions.

He knew her name because he had made it a point to remember the names and background details of every person who set a foot in his school.

"That was in the past, Mess." He didn't like being reminded of that incident. Ever.

She blinked. "Wow. You know my name."

He was losing patience with this common breed of a girl. If Isabelle's Amazons noticed him, he'd be history. "Yes."

"It's just. Wow. I could have never imagined _the _Artemis Fowl remembering my name. Just wow."

"I make it a point to know everyone, even you." He didn't say the last word with a sneer. It just happened.

"Okay." All her enthusiasm vanished. She was about to say something else. But he walked away.

Artemis Fowl the Second didn't talk to nobodies.

* * *

The school authorities finally had to relent to half of the student's population 49-year-old request. _'St. Bartleby's School for Young Gentlemen' _would be renamed to_ 'St. Bartleby's School for Brilliant Minds'. _

Artemis Fowl wasn't surprised.

They had Isabella Kossel on their side this year. Renaming a school was one of her many barbaric talents.

The school would officially rename itself next year, on the 50th year anniversary of St. Bartleby's co-ed-ness.

The school was nearly 200 years old. They would have to deal with a lot of paperwork to rename it.

* * *

Cassie's first day of school started the way it always did. She'd wake up early and make a list of resolutions she would 'definitely' follow throughout the school year.

_25th September,_

_Hey diary! It's my first day as a ninth grader. Here are my resolutions and I will keep them, unlike last year or the year before- or...you get the idea, right?_

_1. Two Words: Study hard._

_2. No eating too much cake._

_3. Will do all homework. Even Maths._

_4. No midnight snacks._

_5. Be nice._

_6. Make new friends._

_7. No. Sleeping. In. Class. Ever._

"That should be enough. Wait-"

_8. Get a boyfriend._

Satisfied, she kept her pen down and closed her journal.

Time to get ready.

The girls wore pink and the boys wore blue. Now that Izzy had finally managed to change the school name, she'd probably try to change the school uniform color as well. 'Pink is too sexist' or blah, blah.

Izzy always had to protest.

The girls' uniform was way more comfortable than the boys.

A simple pink skirt _above the knees _(she could hear the little Izzy in her mind screaming '_why? why do we have to wear it above our knees? gimme the name of the sexist pig who came up with that rule. i will kill him!_'), a white shirt with cupcake sleeves and the school emblem on the breast pocket, and a cute pink bow around the neck.

Cassie tried to comb her hair for five minutes and quickly gave up. "Hopeless cause of a hair."

She shared her dorm with two more girls, and each girl had their own room. Her dorm mates were probably in school by now.

She paused before walking out of her dorm and closed her eyes. This year, everything would be different. Everything. She would no longer be what's-her-name. She'll be somebody. Somebody special.

Determined, she walked out into the open.

* * *

St. Bartleby's dorms and school were located in the same premises, surrounded by 500 acres of greenery. They were separated by a garden with a huge lake.

The huge distance between the school and the dorms made sure that the kids had at least a healthy walk twice a day.

That was great and all, except, when you're getting late, it felt you had the entire Sahara to cross.

After crossing the Sahara, Cassie had managed to reach school before the first bell rang. She made a bee-line to her locker.

She wanted to come early to clean up the locker. She shuffled her hands through her locker, pushing her books in and locked it.

"Eep!" She said and jumped a step back.

Artemis Fowl, who was standing just beside her locker, raised a fine eyebrow at her.

"I'm sorry. I didn't you hear you and when I turned my head I thought you were a ghost...um."

"..." He opened his mouth and quickly closed it, remembering that replying was beneath him. He closed the open locker in front of him and walked away.

Cassie blinked for a few seconds. _The hell..? _It took her a few moments to realize that Fowl's locker was just beside hers.

So it was true that he blew up his previous locker.

* * *

The curfew was at midnight, but it was really easy to sneak out of the dorms since there were no guards. All the guards were in duty _outside _of the school gates.

The external security of the school was flawless but the internal security was flawed. Very flawed.

Whenever Cassie was too bored or at night, she'd sneak out with her roller-blades.

Cassie sat on the dry grass in the park, took off her shoes and wore her rollerblades.

She started skating under the moonlight, with her earplugs on.

"What the..."

She stopped skating when she saw a sketchy figure lurking around the trees. She cautiously took off her roller blades and headed towards the figure.

The person, whoever it was, hadn't noticed her and was walking towards the school.

She could've just ignored the figure and resume her skating, but we all know that curiosity killed the cat.

With just her socks covering her feet, she tip-toed and followed him.

He went towards the back door of the school, and, after tinkering with the locks for a few minutes, opened it. Without hesitation he walked in, leaving the door ajar.

"You can still turn around and pretend you saw nothing." Cassie told herself.

Cassie sighed. She was a suicidical _moron_.

She walked into the school, through the open back door, and cautiously followed the figure.

"The computer lab?" Cassie said, when the figure tinkered with the knob of the lab and walked straight in.

_'What is in the computer lab?' _Cassie raked her brain. _'Oh. There's a computer in which all the test papers are. Is he going to check the questions?'_

Cassie decided at that moment that she'd blackmail the guy into sharing the questions with her.

People who didn't cheat were saints. How could Cassie pass up an opportunity like that?

This time Cassie walked into the lab without hesitation. Her confidence evaporated when the door behind her closed and her eyes fell on a certain someone.

"AAAAAAAAAH!" she screamed at the top of her lungs when her eyes fell on a glowing ghost.

"_Shut up!_" it whispered/yelled.

Cassie stopped screaming when she slowly realised it wasn't a ghost. It was something way worse- _Artemis Fowl_.

She fell on her knees and held her palms together. "Please don't kill me! Please don't kill me! I have little kids and a wife who need me-"

"You do not have little kids or a wife. Stop speaking nonsense. I will not kill you. Just think about the paperwork..." He massaged his temples. "You probably alerted the nighttime janitor. No, I'm certain that he's heading this way."

He didn't wait for a reply. He headed towards the nearest vent, unscrewed it, got inside it and somehow screwed it back.

He was gone.

"What the hell.." Cassie was perplexed.

The door bolted open and the old janitor grabbed her shoulder. "Gotcha."

* * *

Cassie was never ever called to the Princi's office. Not for awards or punishments. She wanted to keep it that way forever.

As she waited outside the Princi's office all she thought about was how curiosity killed the cat.

Did the cat follow a stranger who turned out be the scariest guy in the planet and looked like a vampire/ghost hybrid, and then got killed by a scarier janitor? She really wanted to know.

"Miss Cassie Mess." The secretary called out and indicated her to get her butt in.

Cassie died a million deaths when she slowly walked into the Princi's office.

Principal Guiney Dean, popularly known as 'Guinea Pig', sat in all his one eyebrow, angry eyes, and crossed-legs glory. "Miss Mess, can you explain to me what you were doing at 1:58 AM in the computer lab?"

"I wasn't the only one there. Artemis Fowl was also-"

His angry expression changed into something completely different. He looked like someone just splashed cold water on him. "Is he involved in this incident?" Princi sounded too scared to say Fowl's name.

"Ofcourse!-" Princi raised his hand.

"Artemis Fowl is the top student in our school. He's also the heir of the Fowl dynasty. You should be careful before your raise finger on him. Miss Mess, you need to learn to not accuse those who are more powerful than you, _even _when you are right.'" He almost whispered the last five words. "You are dismissed."

"Wait! What?-aren't you going to punish me?"

"Do you want to be _punished_?"

"No-no, sir! I'll leave." She quickly left, closing the door loudly.

* * *

The seat beside Fowl was always empty. No one in their class had the guts to sit beside him. Cassie wouldn't have dreamed of sitting beside him, but after last night's incident something in her snapped.

She was torn between strangling him and torturing every single word out of him.

"Hi!" she said cheerfully and took the sit beside him.

"That seat is taken," Fowl said.

"No, it is not. No one ever sits with you." Everyone had their eyes on them, probably counting the seconds until Fowl would take out something and kill her. They turned their heads when the teacher walked in.

The teacher blinked, looked at them for a second, rubbed her eyes and said something about flying pigs before she stared teaching.

They both kept their eyes on the teacher.

"Why are you sitting beside me?" His voice was barely audible. She didn't need to look at him to know that he was angry.

"Are you a _gangsta_?" She heard rumors but she wanted to hear it straight from the horse's mouth.

"What?" He didn't raise his voice but his tone certainly changed.

"Princi is scared of you. Everyone says that you're some bigshot gangsta. I just wanted to hear it from you."

"I think the word you're looking for is criminal mastermind. Everyone says that I'm a criminal mastermind." She swore she could feel smugness oozing out of him as he said that. And he didn't try to deny the fact that Princi was scared of him.

"Same thing. Same thing," she said, dismissively.

"No, they are not." Fowl sighed. "Can you just leave? It's bad enough that I have to meet you idiots everyday. I do not want to sit beside one."

"I'm not an idiot."

Fowl turned his face to her. "Have you never met you? You are an average student, with average looks and average talents. You re not even a special kind of idiot. You are an average idiot."

Cassie looked at him and smiled. Inside, she was boiling with blind rage. "I need to change that. It's not possible for me to get higher than I do, because I already work my butt off for it. Daddy will never allow me to do plastic surgery so my looks will remain average forever. As for my talents, I'm not really exceptional at any of them either. I'll have nothing great to write on my gravestone.."

"Yes." He looked at her doubtfully. People generally snapped at him when he insulted them.

"Except..." She pressed her lips against his for a brief second and pulled away. "Now, I can write on my gravestone 'Cassie Mess: Artemis Fowl's first kiss.'"

Fowl gave her a very blank look. She turned around and saw that everyone was giving her a blank look, even the teacher.

Her anger cooled down and it took her a few moments to realize what she just did. She just gave her first kiss to Artemis Fowl in front of the _entire _class.

'_WHAT THE HELL?!'_

She banged her head against the desk and fainted.

* * *

A/N: Please tell me what you think :D


	2. The Revenge Spree

_**Oh, no! Another Clichéd Love Story!**_

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_'Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot your revenge.'_

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_**2. The Revenge Spree**_

Cassie wasn't average. She was plain _S-T-U-P-I-D. _A person with even the slightest brain matter in their skull would never ever kiss Artemis Fowl. _In front of an entire class_.

Maybe her IQ points were along the lines of _minus infinity_.

The nurse hadn't realized that she was awake. Cassie was lying perfectly still. She inhaled and exhaled in a slow rhythm. She didn't want to leave the school clinic and face _reality_. Why did God create reality again? Why couldn't people roam around in their dreamlands, be who they want to be, miles away from a certain scary ravenhead?

Maybe she could just run to her dorm and hide in her bathroom forever.

Cassie felt _lost_. And _upset_. And _tired_. And _angry_.

Humans were complex creatures. She couldn't imagine another species capable of having the urge to tear the skull off someone while wanting to listen to a sad song and cry at the same time.

Artemis wouldn't walk into a girl's bathroom and try to kill her now would he? Who knows. All he would have to do was wear a wig and no one would ever suspect he was a guy.

"I know you're awake."_ Speak of the Devil_. Well, technically it was _think _of the Devil- never mind.

Her pulse rate probably increased tenfold but she did not say anything.

"For an hour I thought I should sue you but then I remembered how much I disliked the law. Emotional torture is more like my style." He could feel him near her ear. "I searched a bit about you, and guess what I got my hand on? A footage of 'that' Christmas night."

Cassie immediately sat up. "The one with the squirrels?"

"The one with the squirrels." Fowl nodded.

"How? I thought all the copies were deleted!"

"You're stupid. You forgot that link on MySpace."

"What do you want?" The words almost came out as a whisper.

"Nothing. You are so completely useless I can obtain nothing from you."

"I can be your slave."

"No. You're a klutz. You will only create more problems for me."

"I could be your girlfriend."

"What? Why?!" He looked exasperated for a second.

"Well, you know, maybe your mom suspects you to be gay and you want to stop her from nagging about getting a girlfriend so you are searching for a chick who's willing to be your fake girlfriend-"

"You read too many romantic novels. My mother is not interested in my love life. I'm sure she knows I'm too young to be in any kind of relationship with a girl-"

"Or a dude."

Fowl massaged his temples. "Every second I spend with you I lose a certain amount of IQ points. What I came here to say is that I'm unleashing that video on the school site. You can do nothing about it. I came here to tell you beforehand so that you can feel horrible about being so helpless about your hopeless doom. Be miserable. "

"You're doing this because I kissed you?"

"You tarnished my reputation." His voice raised a bit.

"So you'll tarnish my life?!"

"Yes."

"You are a _Drama Queen_, with a capital _D _and _Q_."

Fowl glared at her and left the clinic.

* * *

For a few minutes Cassie's popularity sky-rocketed. She became the '_Girl who kissed Artemis Fowl'_. If you ignored the last two words, that nickname was quite romantic. Then it sunk like the Titanic after everyone saw _the video _and she become the _'Crazy Squirrel girl I wouldn't touch with a ten-meter pole.'_

The oven bell rang and Cassie took out the blueberry pie with her oven gloves on.

"It looks tasty, Miss Mess. No one can beat the Mess in the kitchen." The Home Science teacher seemed completely impressed. "Mind if I take a bite."

Cassie didn't say that blueberry pies were the _only _thing she could cook.

Cassie was not a Home Science student but the teacher was a huge fan of her father's, so it took little persuasion to get the permission to use the school kitchen.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Figgins, I made it for someone _special_." Cassie gave her brightest smile. The tone she used to say the last word was sickeningly sweet.

"It's totally okay. I know girls these days." Mrs. Figgins winked. "They always got someone special."

The school bell rang.

"That's my cue. Thank you so much, Mrs. Figgins."

* * *

The hallway was pretty crowded. Cassie didn't trip over anything as she walked through the sea of students with a blueberry pie on one hand.

She noticed him. Unconsciously, the hallway parted for him like the Red Sea.

_Perfect opportunity_.

"Fowl?" He turned around to look at her. She gave him her brightest smile, teeth and all.

Before he could give some snaky remark, she slammed the blueberry pie on his face.

Everyone in the hall stood _still_.

Big chunks of the pie fell off his face. Then the small chunks started falling off. Soon his face was only covered with blueberry goo.

Cassie knew she'd cherish the look on his face forever. He looked utterly horrified. _Utterly. Horrified_.

But that satisfaction only lasted for a few seconds.

"You smashed a pie at me." He said each word with great care, as if he was trying to convince himself that the incident just happened.

"Now we're even." Cassie clutched her side bag and walked away. Cassie had never felt so terrified in her life.

Her heart fell onto her stomach.

* * *

_"Dear Diary,_

_My life is officially the new hell. I am a very stupid and impulsive person. I always go with the flow and I wouldn't be surprised if I get killed one of these days because of that._

_You know what? I'm pretty sure Fowl's already prepared the blueprint for my fake suicide. _

_I always loved you, Diary. You've been with me through thick and thin. You didn't get mad even when I threw you out of the window that rainy night, last year._

_Love,_

_Cassie Bear .. xoxo_

_To those concerned, this is my will._

_I don't want my brother to get the room. Anyone but that snot-nosed brat. He reminds me too much of myself and I can't even deal with myself._

_You can sell all my dolls for charity._

_I'd like to be buried in my favorite hot pink t-shirt and tight black pants. Maybe you can even put a tiara on my head. I always wanted to die feeling like a princess-"_

"MOMMY IS SO PROUD OF YOU!" her fiery dormmate came crashing into her room and tackled her to a bone-crushing hug. Even in a normal knee-length cotton frock Isabella Kossel could give the sun a run for his money. "When I heard that you kissed Foul Fowl I thought of killing you and throwing your body into the ocean but then I saw that squirrel video that got totally viral and I was glad that you were gonna die a slow death instead. But then I heard you smashed a strawberry pie on his ugly face in front of the entire school and now you're officially MY MOST FAVORITE PERSON IN THE WORLD!"

"Actually, it was a blueberry pie-"

"_Can you please shut up?! _Someone's trying to get their beauty sleep, Kossel!" They heard their third dormmate's voice from the other end of the wall of Cassie's room.

Izzy ignored the voice. "You humiliated Artemis Fowl and bruised that galaxy-sized ego of his. Trust me when I say you're gonna go to heaven for this."

"Maybe a bit too earlier than I would like."

Izzy grabbed her hand. "As a reward, I baked cookies."

_Shit_.

Izzy's cookies were worse than hers, which was saying something.

* * *

_Dear Diary,_

_I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I've realized that it's all my fault. I started it. Sure, Artemis Fowl is the most annoying boy I've ever met but I'm not perfect either. I shouldn't have followed him that night. I think it kind of intersected our destinies in the worse way possible._

_He hurt my feelings and I did the same to him. The thing is, no matter how impulsive I am, I don't like hurting people._

_It makes me sad._

_I want to apologize._

* * *

Butler knew he had to do a lot of things for his ward like help him steal missile plans, beat up lowly idiots with guns and shake his hip to salsa numbers (long story). He never complained about these kind of things.. but scaring the daylights out of a little teen girl was where he would have to draw the line. Little girl reminded him too much of his sisters. Especially stupid, suicidical little girls.

"No, Artemis. I am not going to scare a little girl just because she smashed a strawberry pie on your face." Butler could hear Artemis sigh from the other end of the phone.

"It was blueberry. Butler, she humiliated me. I have never felt so ashamed in my entire life. I had underestimated her. She's not average. She's _crazy, _and that's coming from me Butler. I need to do something about her. You know what? She's not worth a second of my time. instead of trying to think of ways to destroy her, I can think of various ways to steal that 30 million yen painting. Girls are such a waste of time. I have so many important things to do. I can't let school or her to affect me like this."

* * *

A/N: THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS! please tell me what do you think.


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